I do not know which day it is. What I do know is that the smoking is back. Not stronger, maybe milder, but it is back. I landed back home and bought a carton of slim Davidoffs, never really could resist those, they are so beautiful. I smoke 4 to 5 a day, sometimes more, sometimes less. Working out isn’t happening but I am eating less, so I suppose that suffices.
That’s the story, that is my real story exposed. Bleak though it may look, I am beyond caring now.
In response to Daily WordPress Prompt.
I have been blinded, blinded by the smoke, blinded by the rush, blinded by the high. It has been a while now, so blinded I have been that I have lost track of time, and my hair have lost their shine.
To say it is difficult to leave bad habits is an understatement. They blind you. They mess with your head and your skin and your thoughts and you daily routine. They become your daily routine. So much time I have invested in these habits, so much time I have lost, I have gained some friends, some of these people have been nice but they are blinded too – some try too hard to fit in, others are just aloof, none of them are doing well in their lives. None of them. They are trying, I will give them that. But they could try harder, just a little bit more. But then I guess it is difficult to see properly once you have lost sight of the things that matter.
I have been off for many days now, 10+ days seem a lot, but the nicotine love hit back today and I gave in. See, that’s how blinded I am.
In response to today Daily Prompt
It has been a while since I have not taken a puff. Well, that is not true, I did take two drags yesterday afternoon. Just two drags. The nicotine went straight to my head. But it was so hot outside, and my skin has gone really bad, face skin, the one that is exposed to the cigarette smoke, so thus I stopped myself at two drags and took no more. I did want to take a few more, obviously. But the man I was smoking with, I do not know him too well, and from the stories that I have heard of him, he is a serial molester, so I just stood there and took in the second-hand smoke, something is better than nothing eh?
That was yesterday, that was day 6. Today is day 7. I was fine the entire day and then I read something which pierced my heart, and I had tears in my eyes, and then I went to the bathroom and I cried and that is when I thought of smoking. Sigh.
What did I read, you ask? It was a poem about honest love. A man wrote a poem for a woman he loved and he made her sound perfect. What is the big deal about this, you ask? I am having sex with man currently, or I did last week, and many months before that, and he made her sound so perfect. It is all in the past, but it breaks my heart, how we have grown up, broken and cynical, scared and fearful. I want to love him, but I know I can’t. All I can do is conjure up scenarios of a cloudy evening, grey skies, slight wind, me on the rocks by the sea, a cigarette in my hand, all alone.
In response to today Daily Post Prompt